Coming from someone who didn’t have a lot of it growing up, my latest obsession this summer has been trying to understand what confidence is, means and why it matters. If you look around today, you’ll find a ton of people that are brimming with confidence. They have oodles of it and tend to be so successful at everything they do. In matters of personal relationships they excel, when it comes to career they seem to “have it together” and tend to exude a general air of “inner chill and calm”.

I am a self professed worry’er and as many people who know me, not at all a “chill person”. I tend to take life a little too seriously at times, and for those who can relate, you are not alone! For those who are more laid back, I aspire to become a little bit more like you. :)

From my understanding thus far, because my latest obsession has been trying to understand what confidence is and means, I have arrived at a few conclusions which I would like to discuss in this 2 part blog post. Below are the questions I will be answering, so feel free to skip down to the ones you might feel that you would relate to the best.

What is confidence? A discussion of inner confidence vs. outer confidence. (Part 1)
Why does it matter? A discussion on where confidence plays a part in everyday life. (Part 1)
How does one acquire confidence? No one is born a confident person.(Part 2)
How to use failure to boost confidence. Separating yourself from your behaviour. (Part 2)
Developing the “inner chill”. (Part 2)

What is confidence?

According to the merriam-webster dictionary confidence exists in three forms;

a feeling or belief that you can do something well or succeed at something (self-confidence)
a feeling or belief that someone or something is good or has the ability to succeed at something (confidence in another)
the feeling of being certain that something will happen or that something is true (confidence in a thought or belief)

I will be focusing specifically on self-confidence. I believe self-confidence is a combination of the inner belief in one’s self and a display of conviction in the communication that one participates in with others around him/her. This can be broken down into the two topics I mentioned I would talk about above, inner vs. outer confidence.

Inner confidence is an acquired trait that is a combination of emotional intelligence and an understanding of what makes you “tick”. It can be observed in others by the lack of or the abundance of self awareness one has of their actions, behaviours, thoughts and feelings. It is, in other words, the “inner chill” I mentioned earlier. A belief, that the results of our efforts are never truly, 100% in our hands alone. A practical example of this is “not getting the mark you wanted on your latest test”, because it may have been harder than you thought it would be. When things don’t go your way, acknowledging that, it’s okay, understanding what you could do differently next time (choosing to learn from it) and implementing it the next time you’re in a similar situation helps cultivate that inner calm we all so badly want.

Outer confidence therefore becomes a reflection of the inner confidence you have. It is demonstrated in what you say (words you use) and how you say it(tonality + body language). To some degree, outer confidence can be faked,hence the saying “fake it till you make it”. By making it a habit to speak with conviction or learning how to use body language effectively one can train the brain from the “outside-in”. By understanding how to be externally confident , you can build up your inner confidence.

However, the challenge becomes applng the things you learn when faced with high pressure situations. This is a topic I will be discussing in greater detail in the “How does one acquire confidence” section.

Why does confidence matter?

I could go into a huge amount of detail as to why both outer and inner confidence matter but really I think it boils down into the three key things below;

Success in your dating life (yes, in other words, getting laid)
Success in your professional life (people tend to trust confident people at the workplace or customers tend to trust business’s that stand behind what they say)
Success in your head (This means not letting our highly active imaginations get the better of us when things don’t go our way or conversely they do go our way)

Confident people are generally perceived to be highly attractive, charismatic and attract success for the most part. I say most part because there’s adangerous line between being confident and being over-confident. Over-confidence (often outer confidence without inner confidence) tends be perceived as cockiness and blatant bragging through the words that you say.(my biggest pet peeve: see humble bragging)

This concludes part 1 of this post, in the following post I will be looking to dive deeper into what I’ve learned about acquiring confidence and developing a greater inner “chill” and peace of mind. Check out part 2 above!